Ah, the woes of the dating world

Well, cynics of the world, you are proven right again.  Just when I thought I had met a person that I had some sort of long-term potential with, he busts out with a “I don’t think I’ve gotten over my ex-girlfriend thing.”  *Sigh*  Back to the drawing board.  We’re still talking these days, but in my experience, the rebounds never tend to work out, so I’m not holding my breath or anything.  It sucks to be cynical, it’s even worse when you are given support in your cynicism.  And this guy was sooo good looking!  Guess the anti-pretzel will have to go back to the drawing board and take her dad’s advice to heart: don’t trust the good looking guys, they tend not to stick around, oh how true, how true!  Spoken from the mouth of someone who knows. 

This is where being a rapid-cycler sort of bipolar helps, I mentally force myself not to dwell on the matter, delete the relevant contact info so I’m not tempted to make a fool of myself, and focus on other more interesting things.

Got myself a new parrot recently, he is a cutie pie at 3 months old or so.  Can’t grab on too tightly yet, so I have to keep an eye out on him.  Here’s a pic!

It’s so goshdarned hard to be non-obsessive!

Have you noticed that there tends to be advantages and disadvantages associated with any particular event?  Well, I for one have noticed the co-occurrence of this phenomenon.  This is the situation that has given rise to this particular post: after a relative dry spell as far as dating goes, I am happy to announce that I may have stumbled across someone that I may experience some success and compatibility with.  I met this individual by way of my usual means of meeting both eligible and ineligible bachelors: Craigslist (which, incidentally has proven to be both a curse and a blessing all rolled into one).  Anyhow, this individual happens to be very easy on the eyes, as well as being possessed of a seemingly good personality to accompany the said good looks.

Although I have yet to share with this person the fact that I am bipolar, I have gone into fairly intricate detail as far as my penchant for collecting animals and the fact that I am messy beyond what the word usually conveys.   Yet, he has taken these declarations in stride.

Here’s the thing.  When I find myself with him, he seems quite eager to express his interest in me by caresses and gentle kisses to my head.  He also expresses a very endearing hint of vulnerability by the occasional seeking of approval on my part regarding his clothing choices or various aspects of his looks.  I find that very cute.  However, once we are back in our respective spheres, he is not so good about staying in contact or expressing verbally his interest for me.  He is also not a verbally expressive person in the flesh as well.  Which for an obsessive analyzer of every minute detail, proves to be problematic, as I am spending an inordinate amount of time obsessing over whether or not he is actually interested in me, or whether he has been feeding me a mass of mechanical responses which he knows will get me hook, line, and sinker.

Or, whether, being a normal person, and considering the fact that we have only seen each other a total of four times, he is behaving in a totally rational manner by not texting me every other minute.

What I wouldn’t give to be like your average, emotionally balanced individual that would take these things in stride and have some measure of patience in letting things take their natural course, in their due time.  *sigh*  Instead, I am doomed to spend more time than is healthy obsessing over whether this guy is for real or falls into the player category of men.

Guess I will be filling the internet void in on any future developments.  Wish me luck!  I haven’t been involved in a meaningful relationship in a long time and sure could use an emotional support right about now!

Great site for psychiatry related lectures

For those of you with a fascination for psychiatry, here’s a link to a great source of video lectures from various psychiatry professors on different topics.  There are several really good ones concerning bipolar disorder.  I found myself learning a lot from one dated October 26, 2005, called “Bipolar Disorder: The Acute Episode and the Lifelong Illness.”  There were several comments that the lecturer made that made me go “ah ha!,” that explains my situation precisely.  One thing that I had not heard before was that one of the major symptoms of BP Disorder is that we tend to have poor impulse control and that we tend to be very impulsive as a group.  That would be me to a “t.”  Or, another way to put the manic state is that you find yourself involved in goal-directed hyperactivity.  Like my shopping sprees, my convoluted logic about why I should have a lifetime supply of lotion, or why I should get this and that animal.  Talk about the story of my life!  Anyhow, the link to the website with the webcasts is here: http://video.biocom.arizona.edu/video/videolibrary/PsychGR/default.htm

 

Tired of acting normal

Am I the only one?  I doubt it.  I think for those of us who have the milder forms of B.D. and who have good awareness of our illness, we get pretty good at hiding our emotional disturbances to the outside world.  When I am in a hypomanic state, I have no problem with presenting a happy face to the world, and serving as a constant source of amusement for my friends.  I derive great pleasure from this role that I play, since the majority of my childhood was spent in a self-imposed state of isolation from the outside world.  When my mood is high, I can begin to believe that I fit into the society around me and that others who view me see me as just your normal, everyday, outgoing member of society.  I like it when I can feel that others think that I am “normal.”

However, when I am feeling down, the world comes crashing down around me.  Although I maintain the facade of normality that others have come to expect of me, inside, I feel like an empty husk, an imposter trying her darndest to make the world belief that I have just as rightful a place in society as everyone else.  At these low points, I feel like a total fake, feeling that, at any moment, everyone is going to figure out that I am an outsider that has wormed her way into the normal world.  I find it so hard sometimes to make myself seem outwardly normal, while internally, I feel as if the world is going to implode before my eyes.  For just a few seconds, I would love for my friends and family to see that I am NOT normal as they are and that I have a pack of inner demons eating my insides out, while I go about my life pretending to the outside world that I am perfectly fine.

I love my friends to death, and would be in a much worse state without them, but I feel this constant pressure to always be “up” and to always present to them the personality that they expect from me.  While I make my friends very aware of the fact that I suffer from bipolar disorder, to the majority of them, I very much doubt that they have a very good grasp of what it actually means.  Thank goodness for my frieds that either suffer from unipolar depression or bipolar disorder, when I am with them, I can feel comfortable in letting all of me come out. 

I apologize if this blog comes across as being a bit disordered and disorganized, I think that is the frame of mind I am in right now and I lack the energy to go back and clear my writing up.  I’ve always prefered writing in this stream of consciousness style.  It is more natural, although the results may not be as pretty as some may like.   

One thing I would love to find out about this disease is why there is such a high correlation of this disorder with excessive money spending?  Does this only occur in the industrialized cultures, or does this trait find itself appearing in bipolar sufferers from less materialistic cultures?  If anyone has an answer to this, please let me know.  I would love to find out.

For those of you who are interested in finding out more about this funny thing that some of us have, I highly recommend doing a search in iTune’s podcast directory for “bipolar.”  There are several great podcasts that speak about the disorder, current treatments, and new findings.  I am currently listening to a podcast of an abnormal psychology lecture from a professor at a community college based in Portland.  I’ve always had an interest in the abnormal and unusual, including abnormal psychology; I never expected that I would find personal relevance in the topic.  Gotta love the way these things work

Until next time fellow travellers! 

The comfort of not being alone

Well folks, having gone off my meds (BAD BAD THING, DO NOT do this!), I’ve been on a bit of roller coaster ride for the past couple of weeks.  As those of you who also have bipolar disorder (I am going through a big internal debate about whether it is better to say “I am bipolar” or rather “I suffer from bipolar disorder.”), we can become quite self-involved when we’re in one of our manic or depressive phases.  Well, for me, rapid-cycler that I am, I cycled through hypomanic and mildly depressive states on a daily basis.  One day I was up up up, the next day, I crashed and burned.  It feels so great when you are up and feel omnipotent, but the energy has to run out sometime, and for me, the crash usually comes the next day. 

Anyhow, I just wanted to thank the kind persons that have found this blog of mine and were kind enough to leave comments.  It feels good to know that I am not the only one suffering from the same drama that those with this disorder experience. 

Rather depressing quote

Why can’t I seem to find a nice quote about spontaneous permanent remission of this darned mood disorder?  Or does it qualify as a mental illness?  Does it matter what I call it?  It sorts of does, for me, since I am the analytical type and happen to like sticking things in neat little mental compartments.  Why this habit hasn’t translated into me being a super neat freak is beyond me.  From An Unquiet Mind. 

Feeling normal for any extended period of time raises hopes that turn out, almost invariably to be writ on  water.

Excerpt from “An Unquiet Mind” by Kay Redfield Jamison

I just came upon these couple of paragraphs which, to me, sums up nicely what the experience of being bipolar is like, although I have to admit that even with my most manic moments, I have yet to go through a clearly psychotic break (knock on wood).  But I have definitely gone through most of the things she has described.  Especially poignant is the way she describes the dratted drugs that are part and parcel of effective treatment of bipolar disorder.  The following passages are taken from a chapter called “Flights of the Mind.”

 There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness.  When you’re high, it is tremendous.  The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones.  Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty.  There are interests found in uninteresting people.  Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible.  Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one’s marrow.  But, somewhere, this changes.  The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overhwelming confusion replaces clarity.  Memory goes.  Humor and absorption on friends’ faces are replaced by fear and concern.  Everything previously moving with the grain is now against-you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind.  You never knew these caves were there.  It will never end, for madness carves its own reality. 

It goes on and on, and finally there are only others’ recollections of your behavior-your bizzare, frenetic, aimless behaviors-for mania has at least some grace in partially obliterating memories.  What then, after the medications, psychiatrist, despair, depression and overdose?  All those incredible feelings to sort through.  Who is being too polite to say what?  Who knows what?  What did I do?  Why?  And most hauntingly, when will it happen again?  Then, too, are the bitter reminders-medicine to take, resent, forget, take, resent, and forget, but always to take.  Credit cards revoked, bounced checks to cover, explanations due at work, apologies to make, intermittent memories (what did I do?), friendships gone or drained, a ruined marriage.  And always, when will it happen again?  Which of my feelings are real?  Which of the me’s is me?  The wild, impulsive, chaotic, energetic, and crazy one?  Or the shy, withdrawn, desperate, suicidal, doomed and tired one?  Probably a bit of both, hopefully much that is neither.  Virginia Woolf, in her dives and climbs, said it all: “How far do our feelings take their colour from the dive underground?  I mean, what is the reality of any feeling?”  

The Pretzel’s Species List

Wow, here’s a fairly graphic example of my manic/hypomanic phases at work, here’s a listing of the species that can be found in my place of residence at the moment; the listing includes both intentional and unintentional co-residents of my dwelling place.

1.1 Canis lupus familiaris “French Bulldog”; Nox and Ajax

0.1 Poicephalus senegalensis, aka Senegal parrot, Bella

1.3.? Rattus norvegicus, aka Norway rats, Russell, Snugglsworth, and Ellen

1.1.? Meriones unguiculatus, aka Gerbils,

3.2.? Phodopus Campbelli, Campbell’s Dwarf Hamster

4.4 Taeniopygia guttata, Zebra finch

2.1 Melopsittacus undulatus, English budgies, aka parakeets, George, Renee and ?

1.0 Forpus coelestis, Pacific Parrotlet, nameless

1.0 Erythrura gouldiae, Lady Gouldian Finch

1.1.8 Pogona vittaceps, Inland Bearded Dragon

1.1 Testudo horsfieldii, Russian tortoise

4.2 Furcifer pardalis, Panther Chameleon, 3.2 are Ambilobes, 1.0 Ambanja

1.1.5 Chamaeleo rudis, Rudis chameleon (had seven babies, but my juvenile panther chameleon female ate 2 of the babies)

0.0.2 Stendoactylus sthenodactylus, Dwarf sand gecko

0.0.9 Eryx colubrinus, Kenyan Sand Boa

0.0.1 Heterodon nasicus, Western Hognose snake

0.0.3 Dendrobates azureus, aka Blue Poison Dart Frog

0.0.6 Dendrobates auratus “Costa Rica”, aka Green and Black Poison Dart Frog  (possibly 3.3)

0.0.1 Dendrobates leucomelas, aka Yellow-banded Poison Dart Frog

0.0.3 Dendrobates tinctorious “Cobalt”

0.0.1 Dendrobates tinctorious “Patricia”

0.0.1 Ceratophrys ornata, Argentinian Horned Frog, aka Pacman frog

0.0.3 Agalychnis callidryas, Red-Eyed Tree Frog

0.0.1 Hyla cinerea, Green Tree frog

Good quotes from a bipolar perspective

I just recently took up reading again, in an effort to focus my mind on an obsession other than adding new animals to my ever growing collection.  Went on a bit of a book buying binge and got some books about various infectious diseases, including books on yellow fever in the US, influenza and other related topics, including a book suggesting a novel disease as the cause of the Black Death in the medieval ages.  But, for my current reading pleasure, I decided to pick up a book I had purchased during a prior book collecting spree.  The title is An Unquiet Mind, by psychiatrist and fellow bipolar disorder sufferer, Kay Redfield Jamison.  I’ve only started the book, but it has been an interesting read so far.  It’s nice to read the words of someone with both a scientific basis of knowledge of the disease as well as someone who has intimate experience with it.  From a description of her episodes, it sounds like she had a more severe form of mania than I have had, but it is still chilling for me, since I realize that it’s a thin line between here and there.

 Anyhow, back to the purpose of this post, here are some quotes I’ve come upon in my reading that I’ve taken a liking to.  (I used to be a real sucker for quotes, as an obsessive/compulsive kid, I used to keep journals filled with quotes that I fancied for one reason or another.  Thank goodness for computers!  It makes writing so much easier and quicker!

 Ok, here are a couple quotes:

I doubt sometimes whether a quiet & unagitated life would have suited me-yet I sometimes long for it.   - Byron

 To be sure, I appear at times merry and in good heart, talk, too, before others quite reasonably, and it looks as if I felt, too, God knows how well within my skin.  Yet the soul maintains its deathly sleep and the heart bleeds from a thousand wounds.”   - Hugo Wolf

Mood, Memories and Music

I’ve been pondering lately the interesting dynamic between mood and music, as well as the way music can be used to reinforce certain memories. I have found that I will listen to different types of music according to mood, as well as listening to a certain type of music to reinforce the particular mood I feel like being in. Which for manic-depressive me, often tends toward the depressing/side of things; a funny thing, considering that most of my “episodes” have been of the manic variety in the past few years.

For great depressing lyrics, listen to Alice in Chains. I have always loved their music. The pace of the music also suits me because of my tendency towards hyperactivity. I have to be in a particular state of mind to be able to enjoy the slower-paced songs.

I must have a melodramatic component to my personality as I’ve always been drawn to songs with lyrics or melodies that tend towards the dramatic. Alice in Chains talks a lot about suicide; my newly discovered fondness for Johnny Cash (evidently a large portion of his songs talks about killing people).

Hard as it may be to believe, I also have a healthy dose of the romantic in me, although that part of me does not manifest itself very often. When I’m in one of those moods, I pull out the oldies but goodies. Like Christopher Cross’s “Think of Laura,” .  Or Hall & Oat’s “Sarah Smile” and their “I Can’t Go for That” .