Musings of a Bipolar Twisted Pretzel » Uncategorized

I’m baack!

antipretzel — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 23:28:03 +0000

Hi fellow bipolar sufferers,

I apologize for the lag between my last post and this one. You know how things go. I hope I’m not the only BP sufferer who gets on crazed projects then run out of steam mid-project and konk out. Anyhow, there have been quite a few developments since the last time that I’ve posted.

First off, I am freshly in a relationship, which means that the brain chemistry of yours truly will likely spike and dip even more than usual. I’ll have to share with you my crazy antics when I have a bit more time to type. In the meanwhile, on the drugs front, I’m happy to say that I am doing well on my 500 MG of Depakote, which seems to be doing wonders for preventing me from going sky high. My body has also adjusted to the drug, meaning that I am starting to get my metabolism back. A bout of food poisoning a couple of weeks ago has helped me to rein in my out of control appetite, meaning that I’ve actually managed to lose some weight! Whoo-hoo! I’m exercising very sporadically, but at least I am getting off my tush every once in a while.

The only worrying thing, is that, it appears as if I am unable to sleep on my own without the aid of a sleeping aid. I’ve learned that sleeping problems plague those with bipolar disorder. For me, that is definitely the case. Thank goodness, I can still manage to sleep using trazadone (an older class of antidepressant), and not a “typical” sleeping pill. The last thing I need is to become dependent on a sleeping aid.

As for my employment front. I am ashamed to say that I am still very much underemployed and am still waiting to find a position where I will be intellectually challenged. I’m an attorney working as a paralegal, quite humbling for my ego.

Well, I’m glad to be back, whoever is reading this.

Ah, Adult ADHD, not me too!

antipretzel — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 20:27:48 +0000

I found a recent response to an article discussing adult ADHD amazingly similar to my experience. One of my fundamental traits is that I am an impossibly messy and disorganized person, and the very idea of cleaning tires me out. While I am capable of many things, the task of cleaning, which seems to be very simple for the vast majority of people, seems an impossibility for me. Could this mean that I may have symptoms of adult ADHD? Of course, the messiness is not everything, as many of the symptoms for adult ADHD and bipolar disorder seem to be similar. I find myself expressing the traits of being: highly distractable, possessed of a short attention span, fidgety (to the annoyance of many, I am a leg shaker and couldn’t stop fidgeting if my life depended on it), I’ve never been able to sit still for long periods of time (except, of course, when I’m in one of my depressed states), I have all these wonderful ideas, start tons of projects but never get around to finishing them. I can be very impatient, and my ex-fiance used to hate it when I would jump in before he was finished talking, or I would presume to know what he would say and jump in and finish the thought for him. Luckily, I have learned to curb those impulses in the intervening years, so as not to appear to be rude. On the other hand, I often tune out of conversations much of the time.

Anyhow, as usual, I found myself sidetracked and am now finally going to do what I wanted to do in the first place, which is to quote the response I first talked about:

The article and response can be found at

Marty said:

My life has always been so scattered. I bore quickly, and then will jump to another activity or train of thought. On the other hand, I hyper focus on inane details that capture my imagination. The outlines of my life are a mess, as is my house. My mind usually is operating “outside the box” which makes me seem super creative with innovative ideas.

The downside has me bogged down, so I never seem to be able to get above my physical chaos to actually do what is in my mind. For instance I design complicated quilts in my head, seeing the nuance of colors and small shapes to create overall great quilt designs. However, I have never made a quilt and probaly never will because the doing is tedius, and besides I would have to clear a space to work, which presents other problems. You all understand.

I am not able to do simple household chores that others do without thought. It is much easier for me to create something. Simple chores (sweeping a floor) requires so much effort. When I do, it feels like I am very sick and tired and walking up 3,000 steps, needing to concentrate on each step to complete it. Doing something else, that might be complicated for some, is fun and effortless. You know what happens. My husband has insisted that I only do what is fun for me. He is right about that, but he doesn’t understand how impossibly difficult normal life and simple chores are for me.

I have always been this way, and was termed a difficult child, not easily molded by the thinking of others. In fact, I was called “no damn good”, as well as other things. I’m over that now, but not without therapy. ADD was not known of when I was a child. I learned coping strategies when I was a kid, and did well in school, being an interested and cooperative student.

I was diagnosed in adulthood, and put on meds. I found that the coping mechanisms I employed worked better than drugs. I have learned more about ADD and have employed adsitional strategies to help me keep on track. But even now, writing this for the ADD forum is my ADD at work. I have so many other things to do, need to do today, and here I am clicking away on my keyboard.

My husband just doesn’t get it. He operates by making lists and crosses things off as he completes them. He keeps making lists for me, thinking it would help. I appreciate his help, but I know he can’t grasp what it is to have ADD. When I tell him what I really need (cleaning help, for instance) he does his best so I can function better.

I think he has put up with the chaos created by my ADD because I have interesting ideas, can be off the wall with fun, steadfast in my loyalty and have lots of friends who adore me, as he does. There is an upside and a downside. He has to tolerate lots of physical chaos in our home, which is a huge trial for him. I too want a less chaotic home environment, but am honestly unable to achieve it.

If I could release my need to decide for myself what I need to keep and where to put it, I could have friends remake my household (believe me, they are itching to do it). If I could get this far in the process I would be under tremendous pressure to maintain the order under their watchful eyes.

Why yes indeed. What a fabulous idea. Having friends declutter and organize me and then monitor me is probably what I need. For I certainly am not a “self starter” or “completer” in this area. It was worth my while to meander through my thoughts as I wrote this to to arrive at what I need to do, but don’t want to do, because I honestly can’t do it myself. Thanks.

Funny article

antipretzel — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 17:43:14 +0000

Here are the first two paragraphs from a column by Jon Carroll that I was able to read this morning, due to the generous nature of the kind BART rider that was too lazy to take his/her newspaper with him/her when he/she got off BART this morning:

”I try not to read right-wing blogs. As a reporter and commentator and pulse-reading finger-user, I suppose I should be keeping track, but I just can’t do it. I don’t need the aggravation. I don’t want to yell at my computer. People who yell at machines are not practicing serene behavior.

I fully acknowledge that some people feel that way about left-wing blogs and, indeed, about me. I have often wondered why people who feel that way about me continue to read me. They read, they get mad, they write intemperate letters, and I’m sure they do not feel better afterward. There are no victors in shouting matches.”

The rest of the column can be read online at: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/01/09/DDADUAN3S.DTL&hw=jon+carroll&sn=001&sc=1000

Funny quote of the day

antipretzel — Wed, 31 Oct 2007 21:51:51 +0000

I’m not a sworn Democrat by any means, being cynical of the whole political process in general (hey, I grew up in the Washington, D.C. metropolitan area, you’d have to be an idiot or a nutcase not to be cynical), but I thought this following quote funny. Found it as a comment to an article on the Washington Post’s website regarding the firing of the State Department’s Chief of Security in response to the mishandling of the contract soldiers deal. Anyhow, here’s the quote:

“…being and voting Republican is like running in the Special Olympics; your team may win, but you’re still retarded.”

A classic!

Yikes! Manic episode in evidence! In written form!

antipretzel — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 18:40:59 +0000

Yikes! Reading this, I just noticed how awfully written this first blog of mine is. Quite painful to read, actually. My only excuse is that I am in the process of going off my meds cold turkey and one of the symptoms of a manic episode is racing thoughts. I think my last post is a good example of what someone with racing thoughts has going on in his/her mind at any given moment. The thoughts keep on coming, with no end in sight, and at a rapidly increasing momentum. That is the way I feel right now. It is hard to concentrate as I have thoughts zooming in and out of my head at a breakneck pace, and my body is fidgeting more than usual. Bear with me dear reader, it shall get better soon!

First words from a newbie blogger

antipretzel — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 04:37:04 +0000

Hi gracious readers,

I thank you first and foremost for stumbling onto what are bound to be some very random, off-the-wall posts, about a variety of different topics. This whole blogging phenomenon brings back memories of when I first started using the internet, before there was such a thing as the world wide web, and when graphical user interfaces were a few years into the future. Remember those days of Prodigy and AOL, when one of the major modes of communication online was through the various bulletin board systems and chat rooms ? And when USENET was a heavily trafficked medium? These days, I doubt most of the youngsters even know what USENET is. And for those of you not in the know, the internet back then was still peppered with plenty of porn. I got into it before even porn was commercialized. Yikes! Does that mean I am old? Most likely.

Anyhow, this blogging phenomenon reminds me of when I used to write a newsletter of sorts that I would send out to people that I didn’t know that was actually interested in what I had to write and thought that I had a good writing style. This was back when I was 14, mind you. It’s been a while since I’ve last tried this type of “creative” writing, so I will leave it to you, dear reader, to tell me if I have maintained my knack at entertaining the masses. And yes, this blog will be chock FULL of run-on sentences, a practice that I am particularly fond of and one that my teachers tried to beat out of me at all costs. So, yes, I do indeed know that it is poor form to write in such long long sentences, but since this is MY blog, and I happen to like them, you’ll have to deal with it, poor reader.

This will be a social experiment of sorts. I’ve always wondered who read blogs and whether complete strangers actually read the blogs of other complete strangers.

I’m getting sleepy so this will be it for an intro. Topics that I mean to cover in future blogs: bra straps, my adventures on craigslist, giving middle school students the option of taking contraceptives without their parent’s consent, the crazy religious right, my knack for finding Catholics to date even though I am a staunch anti-formal religion type. Oh, and I guess most importantly, I will be writing plenty about my thoughts of being a bipolar gal living in this crazy world. And an explanation of the whole antipretzel thing and how that got started (thank you Thomas!)