I’m baack!

•March 5, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Hi fellow bipolar sufferers,

I apologize for the lag between my last post and this one.  You know how things go.  I hope I’m not the only BP sufferer who gets on crazed projects then run out of steam mid-project and konk out.  Anyhow, there have been quite a few developments since the last time that I’ve posted.

First off, I am freshly in a relationship, which means that the brain chemistry of yours truly will likely spike and dip even more than usual.  I’ll have to share with you my crazy antics when I have a bit more time to type.  In the meanwhile, on the drugs front, I’m happy to say that I am doing well on my 500 MG of Depakote, which seems to be doing wonders for preventing me from going sky high.  My body has also adjusted to the drug, meaning that I am starting to get my metabolism back.  A bout of food poisoning a couple of weeks ago has helped me to rein in my out of control appetite, meaning that I’ve actually managed to lose some weight!  Whoo-hoo!  I’m exercising very sporadically, but at least I am getting off my tush every once in a while.

The only worrying thing, is that, it appears as if I am unable to sleep on my own without the aid of a sleeping aid.  I’ve learned that sleeping problems plague those with bipolar disorder.  For me, that is definitely the case.  Thank goodness, I can still manage to sleep using trazadone (an older class of antidepressant), and not a “typical” sleeping pill.  The last thing I need is to become dependent on a sleeping aid.

As for my employment front.  I am ashamed to say that I am still very much underemployed and am still waiting to find a position where I will be intellectually challenged.  I’m an attorney working as a paralegal, quite humbling for my ego.

Well, I’m glad to be back, whoever is reading this.

Study: Kids of older dads have higher bipolar risk

•September 2, 2008 • Leave a Comment

An article from the Associated Press discussing a possible linkage between older fathers and an increased risk for children with bipolar disorder.  In my case, this just might be true, as I’m pretty sure my biological father was at least in his mid-40s when I was conceived.  On the other hand, I probably received a double whammy, as I’m pretty convinced that my mom is permanently hypomanic, but never to the point where it impacted her negatively.  There’s a term for that, but I can’t think of it right now.  Anyhow, here’s a link to the article.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/conditions/09/01/older.dads.bipolar.ap/index.html

Mental illness stigmatized among the Asian American community

•August 13, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Being part of that community, I concur.  An article from Newsweek: http://www.newsweek.com/id/152315/page/1

East Mind, West Mind

Mental health problems among Asian-Americans are often stigmatized and untreated. But doctors are finding ways to help.

Tina Peng
Newsweek Web Exclusive
Updated: 4:07 PM ET Aug 12, 2008

A few years ago, Dr. Lin Fang saw a patient at the Charles B. Wang Community Health Center in New York City’s Chinatown. The man, a recent Chinese immigrant in his 30s, had come to see a physician and complained of five years of insomnia. The physician directed him to Fang, a clinician in the center’s mental-health clinic, who quickly diagnosed the man with depression–something he hadn’t even considered. A year and a half later, after taking medication and making regular appointments with the Wang Center’s clinicians, the man was fine again, Fang says.

Fang can’t count the number of patients like this man that she’s seen over the years. There are indications that mental illness in the Asian-American community may be undiagnosed and undertreated, thanks in part to cultural stigmas against personal weakness, as well as some recent immigrants’ ignorance of the Western concept of mental health. A 2003 study partly funded by the National Institute of Mental Health showed that while the rate of mental illness among Asian-Americans is lower than among whites, the former group is less likely to seek help than the latter. Now, though, community health centers across the country are finding that taking a holistic approach to mental health–combining primary and mental-health care, and integrating Western and Eastern philosophies–is often the most effective way to reach an underserved population.

And some of the national data point to a need for increased vigilance and treatment: Asian-American females, for instance, have the highest suicide rates among American females in the 15-24 age group, and Asian-American women who are 65 or older are 10 times more likely to commit suicide than are their white counterparts, according to numbers compiled by the Asian Counseling and Referral Service (ACRS). Forty percent of Southeast Asian refugees suffer from depression, and anxiety plagues significant parts of that population as well, according to the ACRS statistics. And because of language and insurance barriers, many Asian-Americans aren’t particularly likely to seek professional help.

Unless there’s an Asian-American in charge of a mental-health services organization, there tends to be little outreach to that population, says Dr. Marty Wong, a practicing psychologist in Boulder, Colo., and a fellow with the American Psychological Association. “In general, the squeaky wheel gets the grease, and Asian people tend not to squeak very loudly,” he says.

In many cases, their problems are directly related to the immigrant experience: some Asian immigrants are depressed that they held highly respected positions in their home countries but can’t translate their skills or their peers’ esteem in America. Fang’s patient had worked a high-powered bank job in China but could only find work at a restaurant in America. Others, especially older Cambodian and Vietnamese refugees, have posttraumatic stress syndrome.

Often, Asian immigrants who suffer from mental illness will assume it’s a physical ailment and consult a physician instead of a mental-health professional; in some cases, they may even request or seek out treatment that doesn’t address the mental roots of their symptoms. Ten years ago, a recent Korean immigrant was sent to Asian Counseling and Referral Services in Seattle. She’d complained of excruciating, unending backaches for years and had undergone several experimental surgeries, to no avail. But when Yoon Joo Han, now the center’s behavioral-health program director, started speaking to the woman, Han found she was deeply depressed from an abusive marriage and culture shock. “She’d blocked her emotional senses completely and directed everything into the physical,” Han says. In Seattle, “as many as half of Asian-Americans’ visits to primary care physicians are due to conditions caused or exacerbated by mental or emotional problems,” according to ACRS.

Collectively, Asian cultures tend to stigmatize mental illness by valuing silence, modesty and face-saving, according to ACRS. Physical symptoms of different mental illnesses tend to be explained as manifestations of spiritual or moral weakness, and some Asian languages don’t even have a word for “depression,” Han says. “In some cultures, they’ll say, ‘My liver is bad,’ and that is translated into, ‘I’m depressed and sad’,” she says. “The perspective on mental illness as something that can be treated is a pretty new, Western concept for many of our clients, so it becomes a family secret and people don’t seek help until it gets out of control or really, really bad.”

Terry Gock, director of Pacific Clinics’ Asian Pacific Family Center in Rosemead, Calif., explains that the Chinese are more likely to say that they’re tired or that their “chi is low,” than to admit to feeling blue. “And so if we don’t integrate the understandings, physicians will sometimes look at it as just a physical problem and miss the psychological, mental-health implications of what people are saying,” she says.

Because treating Asian-American patients sometimes requires a holistic approach, doctors at ACRS will try to fuse Western and Eastern sensibilities as they introduce their patients to the concept of mental illness. Often, Han says, doctors will tell patients stories about other patients who’ve had similar experiences, or explain treatment options in terms of physical symptoms instead of getting too deep into mental-health theory.

They also are sensitive to cultural nuances: some clients believe medications are poison, and doctors have to make sure not to force treatments onto patients, she says. “The most important thing is respecting where they are at and not discounting their beliefs, but bringing the best package of services we can offer to that individual,” Han says. In many cases, as with Han’s Korean patient, the physicians will refer their patients to a local community center, where doctors and therapists can try to straddle Western and Eastern understandings to address the patients’ illnesses.

Potential patients who don’t seek out mental-health help, and even some who do, may turn to alternative remedies. They go to fortune-tellers like the ones who sit outside a park a few blocks away from the Wang Center, hawking guidance and insight with Chinese written boldly on the faded red drop cloths behind them. Others turn to activities like tai chi or traditional medications for help. Not all of these options are harmful; in fact, treatments like acupuncture and yoga are often beneficial, Fang says.

In some cases, though, these alternative remedies can worsen mental conditions. Two years ago, Fang saw a pregnant schizophrenic woman whose relatives were adamant that her symptoms came from bad spirits and wanted her to perform rituals at a temple to get rid of the spirits. But performing the rituals made the woman’s symptoms worse–she began to hallucinate about the spirits–and when she eventually came to the Wang Center, “it was even hard for us to say, ‘Take medications,’ because the spirits in her hallucinations were telling her, ‘You shouldn’t eat those things’,” Fang recalls. Eventually, the woman’s husband was able to persuade her to go on medication, and the woman improved significantly through the course of her pregnancy.

But while there may be an initial reluctance to recognize these types of illnesses or seek treatment, mental-health centers in Asian neighborhoods are constantly busy: the Charles B. Wang Community Health Center saw 7,800 mental health patients in 2007, and the Asian Pacific Family Center in Rosemead, Calif., has seen its staff grow to more than 100 but still has to keep a waiting list. “It’s really hard to say what the prevalence rate for these kinds of mental-health conditions is,” Chen says. “But when we start providing services, we have no problem finding patients.”

Infections causing mental illness? An article in Scientific American

•April 21, 2008 • Leave a Comment

An interesting article in the April 2008 issue of Scientific American notes that some 1 out of 5 cases of schizophrenia may be caused by prenatal infections.  The link to the article is here:http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?id=infected-with-insanity&sc=rss.  

Sharing your bipolar disorder with friends…not so easy and not so comfortable

•April 19, 2008 • 2 Comments

I doubt I am the only one who acts this way, but when I am with my small group of good friends, I try to keep all talk about my bipolar disorder out of our conversations.  My usual mode is to put on my good face and be the “me” that everyone expects.  Don’t get me wrong, I am very open with telling them that I have bipolar disorder, but I tend to keep descriptions to a bare minimum and never go in-depth about how I feel about having it or what it is like to have the various cycles of mood.  One of the reasons is that, although I know they are sympathetic to my situation, they have no understanding what it really means.  And while I have other friends who are more well-versed in things psychological and friends who are also bipolar, my core group of friends are people that I don’t quite feel comfortable when it comes to sharing my thoughts concerning this “illness” I have.  I just don’t quite think they would really understand beyond a skin-deep understanding.

Although it bothers me to some extent, I am lucky in that I have other avenues to go through to share my anguish when it comes to being stuck with this thing which makes any realistic life without meds to stabilize my mood an impossibility for at least the near future, since all attempts to go off have seen me cycling into mania.

Enough for now, more later when I’ve gotten to sleep a few hours.  Wish me luck in that regard!

Great book on the history of mental illness

•April 17, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Even before the (noticeable) development of my BP symptoms, I’ve always had an interest in anything related to the mind.  One of my many career interests growing up was to become a criminal profiler (very much inspired by The Silence of the Lambs, and the show Profiler).  Anyhoo, I was lucky enough to take a few classes in the history and philosophy of science in undergrad and have maintained an interest in the subject ever since. 

Anyhow, I went to my local library for the first time since moving to the Bay area in October of 2006 and was so happy to get a library card for the first time in years (I think I was going through a very mini-hypomanic episode and chose to expend my energy on being all excited about the library and borrowing lots of books rather than spending my non-existent money).  While browsing through the aisles looking for self-help books on bipolar disorder, I cam across this tiny book called Madness- A Brief History by Roy Porter.  According to the slipcover, the author was a professor of the social history of medicine before his retirement. 

The book is a very short review of how different societies (mainly Western) viewed and treated what e call today “mental illness.”  The book is quite a bit shorter than I would like but provides a good introduction to the topic.  Another great book, that I read quite a while back while an undergraduate student was Michel Foucault’s Madness and Civilization.  I’d recommend that one as well.

Ah, Adult ADHD, not me too!

•April 17, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I found a recent response to an article discussing adult ADHD amazingly similar to my experience.  One of my fundamental traits is that I am an impossibly messy and disorganized person, and the very idea of cleaning tires me out.  While I am capable of many things, the task of cleaning, which seems to be very simple for the vast majority of people, seems an impossibility for me.  Could this mean that I may have symptoms of adult ADHD?  Of course, the messiness is not everything, as many of the symptoms for adult ADHD and bipolar disorder seem to be similar.  I find myself expressing the traits of being: highly distractable, possessed of a short attention span, fidgety (to the annoyance of many, I am a leg shaker and couldn’t stop fidgeting if my life depended on it), I’ve never been able to sit still for long periods of time (except, of course, when I’m in one of my depressed states), I have all these wonderful ideas, start tons of projects but never get around to finishing them.  I can be very impatient, and my ex-fiance used to hate it when I would jump in before he was finished talking, or I would presume to know what he would say and jump in and finish the thought for him.  Luckily, I have learned to curb those impulses in the intervening years, so as not to appear to be rude.  On the other hand, I often tune out of conversations much of the time.

Anyhow, as usual, I found myself sidetracked and am now finally going to do what I wanted to do in the first place, which is to quote the response I first talked about:

The article and response can be found at

Marty said:

My life has always been so scattered. I bore quickly, and then will jump to another activity or train of thought. On the other hand, I hyper focus on inane details that capture my imagination. The outlines of my life are a mess, as is my house. My mind usually is operating “outside the box” which makes me seem super creative with innovative ideas.

The downside has me bogged down, so I never seem to be able to get above my physical chaos to actually do what is in my mind. For instance I design complicated quilts in my head, seeing the nuance of colors and small shapes to create overall great quilt designs. However, I have never made a quilt and probaly never will because the doing is tedius, and besides I would have to clear a space to work, which presents other problems. You all understand.

I am not able to do simple household chores that others do without thought. It is much easier for me to create something. Simple chores (sweeping a floor) requires so much effort. When I do, it feels like I am very sick and tired and walking up 3,000 steps, needing to concentrate on each step to complete it. Doing something else, that might be complicated for some, is fun and effortless. You know what happens. My husband has insisted that I only do what is fun for me. He is right about that, but he doesn’t understand how impossibly difficult normal life and simple chores are for me.

I have always been this way, and was termed a difficult child, not easily molded by the thinking of others. In fact, I was called “no damn good”, as well as other things. I’m over that now, but not without therapy. ADD was not known of when I was a child. I learned coping strategies when I was a kid, and did well in school, being an interested and cooperative student.

I was diagnosed in adulthood, and put on meds. I found that the coping mechanisms I employed worked better than drugs. I have learned more about ADD and have employed adsitional strategies to help me keep on track. But even now, writing this for the ADD forum is my ADD at work. I have so many other things to do, need to do today, and here I am clicking away on my keyboard.

My husband just doesn’t get it. He operates by making lists and crosses things off as he completes them. He keeps making lists for me, thinking it would help. I appreciate his help, but I know he can’t grasp what it is to have ADD. When I tell him what I really need (cleaning help, for instance) he does his best so I can function better.

I think he has put up with the chaos created by my ADD because I have interesting ideas, can be off the wall with fun, steadfast in my loyalty and have lots of friends who adore me, as he does. There is an upside and a downside. He has to tolerate lots of physical chaos in our home, which is a huge trial for him. I too want a less chaotic home environment, but am honestly unable to achieve it.

If I could release my need to decide for myself what I need to keep and where to put it, I could have friends remake my household (believe me, they are itching to do it). If I could get this far in the process I would be under tremendous pressure to maintain the order under their watchful eyes.

Why yes indeed. What a fabulous idea. Having friends declutter and organize me and then monitor me is probably what I need. For I certainly am not a “self starter” or “completer” in this area. It was worth my while to meander through my thoughts as I wrote this to to arrive at what I need to do, but don’t want to do, because I honestly can’t do it myself. Thanks.

 

Back on the meds!

•February 22, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Well fellow travellers, I’ve gone and done it; I’ve decided to get back on my depakote as my psychiatrist (whom I finally confided in, although not wholly, I just told him that I’d gone off the meds since our last visit, when in reality, it had been months) strongly urged me to. 

I am resigned to my weight gain as is par the course for the gosh-darned mood stabilizers that belong in the anti-convulsant category.  Of course I am perfectly aware that I will likely not have the weight-gain issues if I actually got around to working out.  Even though I know what is good for me, what’s the likelihood that I will heed my own intuition?  Next to nada.  The joys of having insight but not the will to do anything about it. 

So, now I am back on my 500mg of Depakote.  Which has immediately cleared my brain quite a bit, and allowed me to do a few hours of honest work at work, which hasn’t happened to me for several weeks.  Meanwhile, I can’t sleep still and my life is otherwise a mess; bills continue to go unpaid (not that I would have the money to pay my bills anyhow if I weren’t so good at avoiding distasteful subjects).

I remember the good old days, before this bipolar thing hit, where my credit score was excellent and I made sure to scrupulously pay all my bills on time; where I would be ultra early to every event.  Now, I don’t think I have one undelinquent bill, and I’m barely if ever on time.  My apartment is in crazy bad condition, and I don’t have the energy to do anything about it.

Good news is that my very own love interest du jour is flying in from New York City.  I am learning how much I can compromise on my heretofore rigid standards; and maybe coming to understand that the standards are inconsequential.  For an interesting take on “settling” read this article on The Atlantic Monthly:  http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry

Hopefully I’ll get the chance to expound further on where I think my relationships are headed at some later point.  Wish me luck though!  I really wish to lead a happy and successful life.  Chances of that remain to be seen.

Funny article

•January 9, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Here are the first two paragraphs from a column by Jon Carroll that I was able to read this morning, due to the generous nature of the kind BART rider that was too lazy to take his/her newspaper with him/her when he/she got off BART this morning:

 ”I try not to read right-wing blogs.  As a reporter and commentator and pulse-reading finger-user, I suppose I should be keeping track, but I just can’t do it.  I don’t need the aggravation.  I don’t want to yell at my computer.  People who yell at machines are not practicing serene behavior.

I fully acknowledge that some people feel that way about left-wing blogs and, indeed, about me.  I have often wondered why people who feel that way about me continue to read me.  They read, they get mad, they write intemperate letters, and I’m sure they do not feel better afterward.  There are no victors in shouting matches.”

The rest of the column can be read online at: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/01/09/DDADUAN3S.DTL&hw=jon+carroll&sn=001&sc=1000

Kudos to friends who understand

•January 8, 2008 • Leave a Comment

So, I just got back from a lunch with a good friend. A rare friend who happens to have a greater understanding of the issues I face than maybe others. It felt really good that maybe for one instant, I didn’t have to pretend that everything was ok, that I was as normal as everyone else. For that, huge props to you, my friend, you know who you are.

 
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